Well That Was Entirely Predictable

Our rock star president visited shooting victims while shooting a campaign ad.

Shoutout to all the moderate Democrats that cry whenever a “radical” suggests our country would be fine without the demons at ICE, the renegade organization that effectively murdered a diabetic Detroit resident by deporting him to a country in which he never lived:

R.I.P. Jimmy. America is a worse place without your spirit.

THE WET-BRAINED PRESIDENT DOES AS WET-BRAINED PRESIDENTS DO

Here’s what I said in yesterday’s dispatch about Trump’s impending visit to Dayton after Mayor Nan Whaley said she planned to confront the president about his lack of inaction on gun control legislation:

Trump is well-known for being able to handle criticism from women so I’m sure he’ll listen with empathy and not melt down on Twitter a few hours later by attacking Whaley before casually mentioning that actually the Dayton shooter voted for Democrats.

I was dumb to think the president’s narcissism would allow him to wait that long. Before he even boarded Air Force One the president dumped on Whaley and reminded America about the Dayton shooter’s political preference as if the psycho murderer in El Paso hadn’t saluted the president in his manifesto before hunting Mexican nationals in a Wal-Mart for sport.

Whaley and Senator Sherrod Brown met Trump on the tarmac at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. After a few words, the duo joined the President on his trip to visit victims in the hospital and afterwards said complimentary things.

From CNN:

At a press conference following their joint hospital visit with Trump, Brown said Trump was "received well by the patients," was "comforting" and "did the right things." At the press conference and in an interview with CNN, Whaley said victims were "grateful" to see Trump and that he was "treated well by the victims, for sure."

These were fighting words according to the galaxy brain of the guy who still has “real” in his Twitter handle like it’s 2007:

In totally normal brain behavior he continued his assault in El Paso after all eight hospitalized victims refused to meet with him:

A lot of televisions on Air Force One? Who would have thought?

I’m old enough to remember when Real Serious Journalists claimed the president looked presidential when he read off a teleprompter and denounced racism and urged unity. I’m old enough to remember because that happened two days ago.

The president’s team didn’t allow local journalists to accompany the president to the Dayton hospital because they said it was a solemn presidential visit not a photo op.

The president’s ghost writer betrayed the jig on his official account in a tweet becoming of a guy who had just spent a couple hours with bedridden shooting victims:

It was a photo op because the president’s team took taxpayer money and produced a campaign video of his “rock star reception” at the hospital:

I know my brain is poisoned because if I were bedridden in a hospital and President Business Deals trundled into my room with cameras in tow I would have told him that the only thing keeping me alive right now wasn’t the tubes stuck into my body but the desire to live long enough to read about his death that occurred when his heart exploded while he sat naked taking a morning dump over prison toilet.

I don’t think these cops suffer from my mental illness:

Trump looks jacked to receive a medal for his response to a massacre. Glad millions of people who won’t be alive to see the consequences installed a diseased gameshow host to the highest office in the land during the most consequential election of my lifetime.

Really seems to be working wonders for our country.

OHIO PROSECUTORS NO LONGER ABLE TO ARREST LOW-LEVEL WEED OFFENDERS THANKS TO HEMP LEGALIZATION

Is that weed or hemp in the picture above? I don’t know and apparently neither do the cops. That was fine when hemp was illegal but it’s legal now so that creates a problem for police officers looking to ruin somebody’s life for possessing a couple grams of plant.

Columbus city attorney Zach Klein announced yesterday his office would no longer prosecute low-level marijuana fences to avoid the risk of jailing somebody for carrying hemp which somebody a lot cooler than me told me looks, smells and smokes exactly like marijuana.

From Gabe Rosenberg and Nick Evans of wosu.org:

Klein's new policy cites recent legislation signed by Gov. Mike DeWine, which legalized hemp production and CBD products in Ohio. Previously, hemp and CBD oil were considered the same as marijuana under Ohio law.

“The passage of Senate Bill 57 requires a distinction between hemp and marijuana, but our current drug testing technology is not able to differentiate, so we will not have the evidence required to prosecute these cases,” Klein says. “As we continue to review these policies, SB 57 has opened up a broader conversation about how we should prosecute minor misdemeanor marijuana possession cases in the future.”

Naturally the cops are irate about not being able to harass poor people over low-level marijuana possession. The interim police chief says the city should be build his cops a shrine as an apology.

Tom Quinlan expressed concern about unintended consequences from the change to Attorney Klein, and suggests not making the policy permanent. He also brought up an effort to create an officer lounge, as compensation for what he terms "pulling another tool from them when policing our most violent neighborhoods."

In my day we used to call an officer lounge a precinct. Can you believe the gall of this guy? Take some of your massive operating budget and build yourself a fucking lounge. Or better yet just go to one of your local union halls. A lounge! And yet somehow Millennials are supposed to be the entitled pricks with pie-in-the-sky demands.

MAN WHO BEAT DOG TO DEATH WITH BAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WISER TO USE A GUN INSTEAD

Jogging around Franklinton is 50% running and 50% thinking “holy shit I hope this decrepit fence stands strong otherwise this charing pit bull will rip my legs off because I failed to learn karate.”

A pit bull hasn’t gotten me yet. But I often think about what would happen if one got through a fence. Hopefully I would die because I’m not trying to deal with those hospital bills.

A similar scenario happened to a guy named Charles Miller who elected to beat a 9-month-old German Shepherd named Ruger to death with a baseball bat.

Since this is America in 2019 he would have been better off shooting the canine.

From Lauren Peck and Michael D. Pittman of daytondailynews.com:

MADISON TWP. — A Madison Twp. man was charged with cruelty to a companion animal after his neighbor’s dog’s death because he struck the dog with a bat multiple times, according to a Butler County dog warden supervisor.

However, the man would not have been charged at all if he had shot the dog, said Butler County Deputy Dog Warden Supervisor Kurt Merbs.

“You are allowed to protect yourself against a threatening animal on your property,” Merbs said. “(If he) pulled out a gun an shot and killed it, there would be no charges. And the owner would still get a citation.”

But Merbs said there was some things Miller said about the number of times he allegedly hit the dog that didn’t seem correct.

“But when you hit a dog five to 10 times, the threat is gone, it is over. That rises to the level of cruelty,” Merbs said. “He was essentially hitting to dog while it was on the ground.”

If you can beat a dog nine or ten times with a bat and that dog doesn’t have one of your kids in its mouth then society is better off with you in a timeout box for a couple of months. That is psycho stuff.

I WOULD DIE FOR GUMMY BEAR THE CAT

You know the rules of The Rooster: If there is one sad animal story it must be counterbalanced by a happy animal story. This is to balance the tao of life.

From Emily Mills of ohio.com:

Gummy Bear had lived at the Akron rescue for the last two years. She has feline leukemia and had all her teeth removed because of abscesses and infections — hence her name.

She isn’t sweet, cuddly or affectionate. But she is quiet, simple and easy, the post said.

Rebecca, who lives in Michigan, was instantly attracted to the light gray calico.

Rebecca was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis about a year ago, with a prognosis of about three to five years.

“She’s sick. I’m also sick,” she said. “It just kind of clicked. She’s kind of like the feline version of me.”

Rebecca reached out to the rescue on Facebook and traveled to Akron this week to pick up Gummy Bear and take her home to join her family, which includes her husband, daughter and pet snake.

I look forward to crying my eyes out when the story of Gummy Bear the pulmonary fibrosis-curing cat is made into a blockbuster summer movie. If you need any screen writers Gummy just let me know!

THE WILD WILD WEST OF SPERM SWAPS

DNA tests are bad in that you should never sell your genetic code to a private company who will own it forever and can do what they want with it.

But they’re also good since they help murder police catch scumbags like the Golden State Killer while also informing families that thanks to sperm bank negligence that kid you thought was yours really isn’t.

From Anne Saker of cincinnati.com:

A central Ohio couple sued a Cincinnati clinic and the Christ Hospital Wednesday for swapping out the husband’s sperm when the couple underwent fertility treatment in 1994, a fact the family discovered only this year through a DNA test kit.

Jennifer and Joseph Cartellone of Delaware, Ohio, with their adult daughter Rebecca, announced the lawsuit against the Institute for Reproductive Health at a news conference in Washington, D.C. They said they believe Rebecca’s biological father is one of five people, including a doctor working at Christ Hospital.

“Never in my worst nightmare did I think that the Christmas gift of DNA testing for my family would unveil this kind of abuse of our trust by the very professionals from whom we sought help,” Joseph Cartellone said at the news conference. “This has been extremely difficult for my family. I want to do whatever it takes to make sure no one else has to go through what we did.”

Hopefully it is one of those five guys because otherwise the only other option is a previously secretive affair.

Anybody who thinks buying the ol’ family a DNA test for Christmas is a fool-proof idea that might not implode the family dynamics hasn’t spent much time online.

Don’t do it! Just don’t do it. Some things are better off not knowing and the ancestral information you receive from them is dodgy at best.

THOSE WMDs. Instagram’s lax privacy rules let a trusted partner track users’ physical locations, secretly save their stories, and flout their rules… The “30-50 feral hogs” guy actually had a point… Why are Thirtysomethings so lonely? Because society doesn’t value friendship… Children are concerned about online privacy violations. The culprits? Their parents… The vegetarians who turned into butchers.