Oh My God It's Already Monday

Days no longer matter. I'm fucking irate.

Oh my God. It’s fucking Monday again. That used to mean something before 63 million Americans voted for the failed vodka salesman to run our government like a business.

I know it’s my common refrain. I’m still losing my mind. 63 million motherfuckers! They hold jobs and yet these idiots couldn’t see coronavirus coming down the tracks. Now bars are illegal and I can’t leave my house.

On another timeline I’m laughing like a jackal and sipping $3 bottles of rum in Cuba, the country with nationalized healthcare and where it’s illegal to be a Republican. On this timeline I’m typing another daily dispatch and pretending I’m not mentally ill.

The worst part is the Democrats are attempting to nominate Joe Biden, a braindead automaton who said he would veto the only plan that insures every American regardless of how much income they claim on their taxes. Not only are we watching slow-motion 9-11 dragged out over four weeks, we also have to watch our country’s diseased voters say “Nah” to Franklin Delano Roosevelt in favor of guy who once tried to outlaw raves.

I watched a rag-tag team of Al Qeada operatives with box cutters hijack three planes and murder 3,2000 Americans on national TV as I watched live as a dipshit 15-year-old in keyboarding class for some reason.

In response we launched two wars that are still ongoing. We also had a global financial meltdown and none of the responsible parties spent a day in jail!!! Yet I would go to prison for no less than five years if I knocked over a corner store for $80.

Normal country.

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MIKE DEWINE SAYS WHO THE FUCK IS THE FDA?

Mike DeWine walked a political tight rope in 2018 to become the governor of Ohio. He used his personal brand to thread the needle between a John Kasich Administration and a Donald Trump presidency. I don’t think he was photographed with either men during his campaign, and that was by design.

It’s a skill that has served him well as the only Republican governor that understood the threat of coronavirus. After kissing the ring of President Business Deals, DeWine lambasted the Federal Drug Administration for refusing to green-light Battelle’s innovative way to sanitize face masks that are suddenly in short supply.

The nerds got the message.

From 10tv.com:

COLUMBUS, Ohio – The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Columbus-based Battelle’s system that can decontaminate thousands of masks a day, according to a statement from the company.

Battelle told 10TV on Sunday night that the approval is for the use of the technology at “full capacity.”

According to a press release sent Sunday night from Battelle, the company’s CCDS Critical Care Decontamination System is now operating at Battelle’s West Jefferson, Ohio, facility.

The facility is capable of decontaminating up to 80,000 respirator masks per system each day using concentrated, vapor phase hydrogen peroxide.

Senator Meow, who is funnier and smarter than me and someone you should absolutely follow on Twitter, recently described Battelle as the perturbingly ubiquitous company that makes zombies in every zombie movie.

When you look at them through that scope, it’s easy to see how this company suddenly found themselves in a position to skirt FDA regulations and print money during a pandemic. Makes me feel like they have our best interests at heart.

GOLFERS SHOW THEY STILL HAVE JUICE WITH THE UPPER ECHELONS OF STATE GOVERNMENT

On Friday, I lamented about the state government shuttering golf courses. Even reptiles who play golf should be allowed to perform their Satanist rituals during a pandemic, I said!

Unfortunately I lied. Golfers still have a direct line to the upper echelons of state government as evident by the sudden reversal of their fortunes.

From David Jabonloski of daytondailynews.com:

DAYTON — Golf courses in Ohio may remain open during the coronavirus pandemic after the Ohio Department of Health reversed its position this weekend.

That doesn’t mean every course in the Miami Valley will be open for business this week. Many closed on various dates in March. Some remained opened until the Ohio Department of Health deemed them non-essential businesses on Thursday, ruling they would have to remain closed until April 6.

Steve Jurick, executive director of the Miami Valley Golf Association, recommended golfers call courses to see if they’re open. He said whether they remain open depends on their local health department, which “is the ultimate ruler when it comes to individual operations.”

My god. I can only imagine how many soggy white men called their government representative this weekend to complain about the closure of golf courses.

No other special interest group has been able to reverse a ban. Except for golf. Really makes you realize which breed of asshole holds power around here.

DIDN’T GOD UNLEASH THE PANDEMIC THAT COST YOU YOUR WEDDING? IT’S TOUGH TO SAY

One good thing the the pandemic shut down is weddings. And I’m not saying that because I’m 1-for-1 on proposals but 0-for-1 on weddings.

The entire system is fucked up. Oh, you made the mistake of being my friend since childhood? Please spend $800 to rent a tuxedo and stand next to me for two hours. Oh, you will do the honor of your presence at my wedding? Please select one of the curated gifts that I could have afforded if I chose to get married at the court house instead of spending $30K on a lavish party.

Weddings are outta here. And frankly I’m not shocked to see couples still want to grandstand like they’re the main characters in a Wal-Mart romance novel.

From wgntv.com:

AKRON, Ohio (WJW) -- March 28, 2020 will forever be a day that Christopher and Crystal Sumey of Akron, Ohio won’t soon forget.

“God is not going to let us be separated, he had a plan for us to be together, we had a date and society says we couldn’t have that date," said Christopher Sumey.

This date was supposed to be one of the best days of their lives, surrounded by family and friends on their wedding day, but with a stay-at-home order due to the coronavirus pandemic, the couple had to say ‘I do’ to family and friends via a live stream.

“It’s awesome, it’s awesome, I’m glad we are able to do that, God is good, God is good," said Kristy Owen, who watched the wedding ceremony from her car outside the church.

Little did the couple know, that while they were exchanging vows inside Movement Church in Akron, their church family was outside watching the live stream on their mobile devices. They had a special surprise for the couple.

I’m going to spend the rest of my day thinking about the woman who drove her car to a church parking lot to watch a live stream of her friends getting married. With brain power like that it’s hard to believe America hasn’t dawg checked coronavirus yet.

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