Requiem for the Dublin Dad

Back against the wall, Urban Meyer turned to his time-tested tactic of lying his ass off. Only nthis time he no longer has the juice to pull it off.

The main differences between Donald Trump and Urban Meyer are Meyer is good at winning football games and Trump has a sense of humor. Otherwise they are pretty much the same person.

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I couldn’t help but think of Trump’s words when watching a sauced Dublin Dad letting a woman “dance close to his lap” as Sports Illustrated so bravely put it in their description of that now infamous video.

“I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Unfortunately for the Dublin Dad, he is no longer has juice like Trump to get away with saying “so what?” and creating a new, more brazen scandal 30 seconds later for everybody to get outraged about.

Ohio State, that behemoth of a brand, failed to have the institutional fortitude to fire him when he let a crazed criminal sex pest like former wide receivers coach Zach Smith run amok in Ohio State’s locker room and then lied about what he knew at Big Ten Media Days.

Somehow even a three-week vacation was affront to this man, who promptly quit and rode off into the sunset to thunderous applause from the hogs of Buckeye Nation.

Meyer could have stayed retired, doing studio analysis and slanging margaritas to hordes of Columbus’ leathery suburbanites. Just look at some of the comments when I had the audacity in December of 2018 to tweet, “I’m glad Urban is gone.”

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Anybody who actually knows anything about the Dublin Dad knew he was going to try to explain away what our lying eyes had seen. And boy, did he not disappoint; he went so far as mentioning his rookie quarterback threw a bachelor party in Las Vegas (left unsaid was that it happened in March, not hours after the Jaguars choked on national TV to fall to 0-4).

The Dublin Dad, a family man according to the 500 family pictures on his living room coffee table, said what actually happened was he had gone out with the grandkids when a gang of shady characters, who had apparently infiltrated the VIP area of his own restaurant, came over wanting pictures and tried to “lure him onto the dance floor.”

What Urban did not know was that the drunken shenanigans of one of the most famous faces in Columbus had interested more than one person into taking out their pocket camera and clicking record, as seen in this video from mysterious internet personality “Don Bellows:”

Wow, it turns out all the weirdos who rushed to defend Meyer for “blocking that lecherous skank’s gyrations with his hand” have suddenly seen their bizarre defense of a stranger turned to ash.

More importantly, Meyer better hope he was lying to the public when he said he told his team what he told the public, which is he wanted to visit the ol’ grandkids and next thing you know a woman who looks looks a lot like what his wife 30 years ago is throwing her ass around “near his lap.”

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The Dublin Dad’s latest tall tale is bullshit. A fabrication. He made it up to protect his own ass and turned a one-day headache into a 72-hour migraine, as his humiliation fetish demands he do every time these situations arrive.

Could he have seen the grandkids earlier in the day? It’s possible. Could they have also joined him for lunch at the Chop House? It’s unlikely as me having played a down in the NFL on Sunday, but sure, it could’ve happened.

What is known is that the grandkids were at with his wife, whom it must be said has spent the better part of the pandemic spreading coronavirus misinformation online, at 10:24 p.m. ET Friday night at a place that was decidedly not Urban’s Chop House:

Buddy deserved a night out indeed.

As you can see in this tweet—that surprisingly hasn’t been deleted—from 8:49 p.m. Friday night from a notorious local Republican hobgoblin who was the inspiration for Roman on Succession, Brian “Da Schott” Schottenstein:

The guy in the white shirt on the left is wannabe Columbus restaurant tycoon Chris Corso, last seen getting his ass waxed in court for failing to sue a well-known satirical site that made fun of Corso blocking black people at his restaurants through dress codes that basically amounted to, “I don’t want black people here.”

But because The Rooster is a fair and balanced publication conveying its best understanding of the truth, here’s how Eleven Warriors commenter Brah Zhole, who definitely isn’t Chris Corso, described Chris Cors—as first pointed out to me by @DarkNStormy614:

I’m not sure what’s funnier, saying Corso is a “great dude” because he’s helped numerous Buckeye football players escape consequences for bad decisions, or the descriptor of “up and up” which a normal thing normal people say to describe somebody who isn’t a crook.

But as Da Schott and the 11W commenter who definitely isn’t Chris Corso both agreed: The occasion of the night was not a Meyer family outing but a celebration of Corso, the married man who runs Meyer’s restaurants and openly uses those and his other venues as date spots for his numerous girlfriends.

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According to a source who had a front-row seat to the Drunken Dublin Dad’s antics, Meyer arrived with a group of men at 6:30 p.m.

Though it’s possible Meyer drove himself rather than take the party bus with the rest of the arrivals, the ringside source did speculate he was drunk as soon as he arrived at the party, and the grandkids were never in sight.

Urban stepped out for a night on the town with his friends, back in his happy place where he’s still idolized by people with goldfish brains. He goes out with some sleazy friends and next thing you know he’s playing the hits but this time he’s caught in 4K from multiple angles while looking way too seasoned at trying to digitally penetrate a strange woman’s asshole through her jeans.

For so long, he used to be able to feed us piddling bullshit like this and say, “So what?” It’s not like all college football media isn’t in the tank for the local team. You can see how many reputed Ohio State sites refused to touch this story with a ten-foot pole despite Meyer not coaching here for nearly three years.

For perhaps the first time in his life, we actually saw Meyer have to answer to a hostile press corp. And the guy looked old, tired and miserable.

He said he was sorry because he knew he had to say those words before shifting into total bullshit mode by throwing his grandkids and his quarterback under the bus while painting himself as the victim of some harlot trying to “lure him to the dance floor.”

And definitely for the first time in his life, he’s dealing with a locker room of players whose scholarships can’t be threatened on a whim if they don’t act accordingly. Every one of them knew what they saw, and yet as Urban tells it not even the franchise owner, his players or his family were worthy of the truth of what that night was actually about.

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I don’t care if the Dublin Dad managed a gas station… no worker will actually follow him through any tough situation. They’ll quit at the earliest convenience and never look back.

We’ll find out this Sunday when our Jags play the Tennessee Titans. There is bad blood between Meyer and Titans coach Mike Vrabel. Maybe our Jags rally around their beleaguered head coach and deliver the first divisional win of his career. Maybe I’ll find a winning Mega Millions ticket on in the street tomorrow, too.

The much more likely scenario, however, is the Jags lay down on a coach they already disliked even before his latest dumb-ass scandal.

It’s over for this Dublin Dad. He’s just another stumblebum coach of a shitty NFL team (not that I would know what those looked like as a longtime fan of the Cleveland Browns). You know it, I know it, and most importantly… he knows it.

The faster we can reduce him to some Pete Rose-level autograph sideshow at his two overpriced and mediocre restaurants, the better. A more fitting Hell could not exist for him, though at least he can take solace in knowing his drunken advancements on women won’t be as newsworthy coming from a divorced Dublin dad.

THOSE WMDs. Workplace surveillance becoming the new normal for U.S. workers… The GOP doesn’t care that you hate it… Accident victims surrender millions to lightly regulated industry… Exercise is more important than weight loss for a longer life… Think you have a hit? Make sure to put it first on your album.