Supreme Court Sugar Daddies

Another day of insane news from the insane state we all love to know for some reason.

Important correction notice from father in an email sent before I awoke yesterday:

In [yesterday’s] Rooster, the news article about the boys tainting their teacher’s food explicitly states all the suspects were 14-year-old boys.  During your commentary after the news article you described them as “preteens” and stated they were "12-year-olds."  Discrepancies like this will eventually destroy the Rooster’s entire credibility.

Please consider a paid subscription before factually inaccurate cum jokes destroy my credibility. You can try it for free for 30 days and if you don’t like it you can tell me to fuck off no questions asked other than what the fuck dude?

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If you don’t want to pay me money (touché) but like the Browns then consider checking out The Sadcast the new Browns therapy podcast hosted by the illustrious Ramzy Nasrallah and myself and produced by the venerable Eric Seger who will also be a Browns fan by Week 10.

Please note we’re sponsored by Catullo Meats the legendary Youngstown establishment who will send you a pound of the best le epic bacon of your life if you submit a question we use on the show:

Unfortunately for all six of you who can’t get enough of my political hot takes I have taken a vow of silence during the Sadcast when it comes to talking about guillotining President Business Deals.

When it comes to the Browns I have no political opinions other than “Get on the Orange and Brown Train or get ran over, honkey.”


The ballot referendum isn’t perfect but it’s basically the only electoral tool left for Ohioans who don’t agree with our Republican gatekeepers to affect state policy.

A group of Ohioans are trying to do just that in gathering enough signatures to force a referendum on the state’s corporate bailout of four failing energy plants including a coal plant in Indiana.

FirstEnergy Solutions must know how fucked their pipe dream would be if it ever faced voters which is why they’re running to the Supreme Court to argue taxes can’t face referendums. An odd move to say the least considering FirstEnergy Solutions supporters (read: paid puppets) spent all summer arguing this wasn’t a tax in the first place.

From Jeremy Pelzer of

COLUMBUS, Ohio—FirstEnergy Solutions has asked the Ohio Supreme Court to rule that a proposed statewide referendum to overturn Ohio’s new nuclear power plant bailout law is illegal because it is a tax.

In a lawsuit filed Wednesday, FirstEnergy Solutions – which stands to receive $150 million per year for seven years under House Bill 6 – argues that the new 85-cents-per-month “charge” imposed on all Ohio ratepayers to pay for the bailout constitutes a tax. The Ohio Constitution prohibits any tax levy from being overturned via referendum.

The lawsuit cites, among other cases, the U.S. Supreme Court’s 2012 ruling that the Affordable Care Act’s individual mandate – which fines people who don’t have health insurance – is a tax, even though the legislation called it a “penalty.”

The filing notes that a number of opponents of HB6 argued that it was a tax during legislative debate over the measure earlier this year.

I don’t think I’ll surprise anyone by revealing that I suspect the Supreme Court’s in the tank for FirstEnergy as they have always been for the interests of Big Business for as long as I’ve been alive.


Senior citizens across Ohio get pilfered every day by unscrupulous hustlers. It’s rare the senior citizen is a member of Congress and the unscrupulous hustler is a member of his staff.

But such is the case for Steve Chabot the Cincinnati Republican Congressman who will probably retire before Congressional redistricting throws him out of office anyway.

From Sabrina Eaton, Jeremy Pelzer and Eric Heisig of

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Authorities are investigating the theft of more than $100,000 from Cincinnati-area Republican Congressman Steve Chabot’s re-election campaign.

Mark Braden, an attorney for Chabot’s campaign, released a statement on Wednesday that said the congressman was "shocked and deeply disappointed to be informed yesterday afternoon that his campaign committee may be the victim of financial malfeasance and misappropriation of funds.

“Unfortunately the misappropriation of funds by some campaign treasurers has been far too common an occurrence over the years," Braden’s statement continued. "Chabot for Congress is prepared to fully cooperate and assist both law enforcement and the Federal Election Commission to ensure that those responsible are held to account and to correct any inaccurate filings about the campaign’s finances as quickly as possible if any occurred. The campaign will refrain from further public comment until this matter is concluded.”

FEC records say that Jamie Schwartz, a Cincinnati political consultant who once served as deputy chief of staff in Chabot’s congressional office, serves as his campaign treasurer. An Aug. 27 letter to Schwartz from the FEC noted that an amended report filed by Chabot’s campaign showed a $123,625.72 increase in receipts and asked Schwartz to clarify why the money wasn’t originally disclosed.

You see when it’s a saintly old Republican he just happens to be a victim of a crime but when it’s a Democratic challenger like Aftab Pureval who used the wrong account to take some campaign photos that guy is a piece of shit who enabled crime to fester within his orbit:

Politics baby! Hard to understand why more people aren’t into this stuff.


Warren County is one of the most conservative bastions in Ohio and if they were more open to abortion access perhaps one of their teenagers wouldn’t have had to actually murder the baby she did not want.

From Paulina A. Dedaj of

Hours after allegedly killing her newborn daughter and secretly burying the remains in her family’s backyard, an Ohio woman texted her mom: "My belly is back OMG," prosecutors say.

Opening statements in the case of Brooke Skylar Richardson, now 20, began Wednesday in a Warren County Court where she faces several charges, including aggravated murder, involuntary manslaughter, endangering a child, tampering with evidence and gross abuse of a corpse in the 2017 death.

Assistant prosecutor Steven Knippen told the court about texts messages Richardson allegedly sent to her mother hours after the child was buried, stating how she was “speechless” to have her body “back,” according to a court reporter for Butler County’s Journal-News.

Days later, on May 7, she gave birth in the middle of the night. Prosecutors say she killed the baby and buried it in the backyard by a barbeque pit, disposing of all evidence.

This is what the actual murder of a baby looks like. It’s not actually whatever gobbly gook anti-abortion kooks want you to believe about a safe medical procedure.


Americans love to buy food. We also love to throw out food the second it passes “the best by date” on packaging as if that’s how that’s supposed to work.

From Laura A. Bischoff of

A new study by Ohio State University finds that an enormous amount of food goes to die in Americans’ fridges.

The survey found people expected to eat 97 percent of the meat in their refrigerators but finished about half; 94 percent expected to finish their vegetables but they consumed just 44 percent; they thought they’d finish 71 percent of the fruit and 84 percent of the dairy but consumed 40 percent and 42 percent, respectively.

The main reasons for pitching food: odor, appearance and dates on the labels.

Brian Roe, OSU professor agricultural, environmental and development economics, said “No one knows what ‘use by’ and ‘best by’ labels mean and people think they are a safety indicator when they are generally a quality indicator.”

One trick I’ve found to prevent wasting food is to alienate your loved ones and live a hermit lifestyle as a chronic depressive with two cats.

The only downside is your refrigerator becomes a barren hellscape that reminds you of your life’s poor choices every time you open the door to see if food has magically sprouted since you last checked 30 minutes ago.


Take note college kids if you go home to surprise your gun-owning parents you might want to scrap that idea entirely and let them know you’re coming before you get shot in the face.


GIRARD, Ohio (WKBN) – Police say an 18-year-old woman wanting to surprise her mother with an unannounced visit from college ended up getting shot.

According to a police report, officers were called about 9 p.m. Friday to the 200 block of Ohio Ave., where they encountered the victim.

Police say she was walking down the driveway with a towel wrapped around her arm, and she was “covered in blood.”

The teen’s mother told police that she was in her bedroom when she heard a commotion inside the house. She said the noise scared her and that she was not expecting anyone.

If owning a gun made your house safer your insurance rates would go down. Instead they go up because insurance companies are smart enough to know you’re more likely to blast your college-aged daughter in the face with a gun than you are a bloodthirsty stranger who has come to loot your 50” Vizio TV.


Judging from the photographic evidence “rollercoaster” may be used a little loosely here but honestly stealing a rollercoaster should only be considered awesome and not a crime.

From Kara Sutyak of

UNION COUNTY, Ohio — Authorities in Union County, Ohio, are looking for the person or people who stole a roller coaster from the fairgrounds.

According to a press release posted to the Union County Sheriff’s Office Facebook page, on August 28, a Go-Gator carnival coaster was reported stolen from the Union County Fairgrounds in Marysville.

The roller coaster was on a purple and green trailer and has alligator-designed train cars which are about 20 feet  total in length.

The sheriff’s office said the trailer had a rear license plate, 22-1246A, registered in Maine.

If somebody steals something like that they’re either an idiot who will get caught or smart enough to realize that stealing a Go-Gator carnival coaster requires a buyer to be lined up before the caper even begins. Not that I would know anything about stealing Go-Gator carnival coasters or anything like that.

THOSE WMDs. Who’s lying and who’s telling the truth? Malcolm Gladwell has some ideas… Death, made in Mexico: Traffickers embrace fentanyl... U.S. offers cash to tanker captains to seize Iranian ships… Pastor’s wife charged after allegedly firing a pistol in church… The strange saga of a real-life Simpsons house in Nevada.