You heard it here second folks!

Fake gender reveal parties, an Ice Age artifact, THE Ohio State University and more.

Oh God well big welcome to new subscribers thanks to the generosity of @Plunderbund signal-boosting Ohio’s most humble newsletter.

Put this on my tombstone please:

It’s me your tour guide the one that used the word murder like eight times in three paragraphs yesterday as if that’s at thing people enjoy.

Bad time to announce but I’m spending two of my remaining eight vacation days in 2019 by going to Tulum Mexico this weekend with a Colombian woman who definitely likes me for my good looks and debonair charm and I need mad Mexican pesos so please consider subscribing for $5 a month or $30 a year or sending $20 and your email to @warrengharding on Venmo and service will return to normal next Wednesday.

To repeat please advance me vacation expenses to make my life easier in writing off my taxes and I’ll get you back starting Wednesday the 21st after I take Monday and Tuesday off due to how hard I’ve worked this year.

The newcomers undoubtedly heard this is an uplifting newsletter where we discuss only good things. Today we salute new Ohio resident Yasiel Puig the one good and righteous baseball player.

For those unfamiliar Puig weathered the figurative and literal storm to come to America. Maybe one day America will provide a similarly smooth path to citizenship for immigrants who aren’t multimillion-dollar baseball players.

Also you might not know your river guide is from Marion Ohio the City of Kings and if you’re ever traveling through the blessed city be sure to turn to the only 24/7 blues station in the state:

Ah well now that the charade is over I’m sorry to report this newsletter is actually the work of chronic depressive.

DRUG ASSASSINATIONS AT FAKE GENDER REVEAL PARTIES NEVER GO AS PLANNED

The creator of the gender reveal party recently declared it was a stupid idea.

I could have told her that but she never asked and nevertheless a woman in Cincinnati staged a fake gender reveal party that has led to four indictments.

From Sarah Brookbank, Cameron Kight and Kevin Grasha of cincinnati.com:

A Columbus man has been charged in connection with the fake gender-reveal party shooting that killed one and injured eight in Colerain Township in 2017. 

Vandell Slade, 30, has been charged with murder, attempted murder and felonious assault, according to an indictment filed Wednesday in Hamilton County Common Pleas Court.

Three other men were charged in the shooting in December.

On July 8, 2017, Autum Garrett, 22, was shot and killed at a supposed gender-reveal party for Cheyanne Willis, who was 21. Colerain police eventually determined they were dealing with witnesses who had connections to more than one drug ring.

Willis was the target of the shooting and declared shortly thereafter to media she had lost a fetus after getting shot in the thigh yet cops quickly announced she admitted she wasn’t actually pregnant at the time.

Sounds about right. I have never been invited to a gender reveal party and that streak looks like it will continue into 2020.

BACK IN THE DAY OHIO’S BIG FURRY CREATURES COULDN’T PASS LAWS

Lived in Ohio damn near my whole life and somehow I’m just hearing about Millersburg the town east of Mansfield where apparently mammoths used to roam.

From Kaylyn Hlavaty of news5cleveland.com:

MILLERSBURG, Ohio — While playing in the creek during a family reunion at Honey Run in Millersburg, located in Holmes County, a boy found mammoth tooth dating back to the Ice Age on July 26.

Jason Nies, who owns the Inn at Honey Run, 6920 County Road 203, said one of his cousin's sons, Jackson, found the fossil while playing in the creek.

“His dad and his uncle are both really into natural history and understanding nature," Nies said. "They quickly jumped online and were Googling it, and that's when we quickly found out this might be a mammoth or a mastodon tooth."

Nies said the tooth was found in a creek tributary, but it wasn't buried, just laying there on the side.

Lived in this state damn near my whole life and have never discovered a mammoth tooth that was subject of viral articles from national outlets.

I’m not saying this is a government false flag though I am saying it’s curious prehistorical creatures are currently serving throughout state government and it’s odd I’m hearing about this one as if it’s news.

TROLL HARDER IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH HELL

I partied my way out of Ohio State and that makes me infinitely more qualified than any of these goddamn nerds whining because the Buckeyes’ trademark trolls taking a swing at trademarking the most common word in the English language.

From Joe Blundo of dispatch.com:

I hope you don’t mind the informality. I know that your formal name is The Ohio State University -- which is exactly why I’m writing to you.

For heaven’s sake, stop using that The.

It sounds arrogant and is easily mocked.

The Dayton Daily News proved as much with its front-page headline last week after the University of Dayton upset OSU in the NCAA basketball tournament: “THE University of Dayton,” the newspaper brayed in big type.

Ouch.

Yes, I know: When the state legislature officially renamed the school in 1878, it specified that the Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College would henceforth be known as The Ohio State University.

So what? Tina Fey was born Elizabeth Stamatina Fey. Bolivia is officially the Plurinational State of Bolivia. You don’t hear them insisting that they be called exactly what’s on their birth certificates.

Cool story nerd. How many College Football Playoffs has your university won? Not many most likely.

  • Cincinnati Enquirer: “‘The’ Ohio State University is a bit arrogant, insecure isn’t it?”

  • Detroit Free Press: “Hey, Ohio State: Trying to steal the word 'THE' makes you greedy.”

  • USA Today: “Ohio State has market corned on THE dumbest ideas."

Seems like a bunch of sex-havers that have the pulse of the world.

If you want to support a good OSU project please consider this one:

Cincinnati bums about to be sick when me and my goons pull up to the Shoe as we locals call it while wearing “THE” branded hats and drinking FourLoko 14% spiked seltzers.

THE SQUAREST STATE IN THE UNION MOVES TO OUTLAW ANOTHER PLANT

The Ohio Legislature recently decriminalized possession of 200 grams of marijuana or less when they legalized hemp.

That means that they have to do something equally uncool to balance the tao.

It looks like Kratom is on the chopping block.

From Kaitlin Schroeder of daytondailynews.com:

The state could ban a herbal supplement next month that would effectively make it against the law to possess the product.

The Ohio Board of Pharmacy delayed making a decision last week on whether to regulate kratom as a Schedule 1 controlled substance — the same category as heroin and LSD.

Advocates and kratom retailers have touted the product as a healing herb and shared personal stories of life changing benefits, while medical groups have cited health risks and supported the proposed ban. The FDA has said that kratom marketers are making unproven claims that put consumers at risk.

Kratom, or mitragyna speciosa, is a plant native to Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia and Papua New Guinea. It is now available and for sale in Ohio and has grown in popularity in recent years.

By 2050 Ohio is going to resemble an obscure Japanese island after World War II in that it’s going to be controlled by a fanatic militant wing of zealots accidentally defending a way of life that has been lost for a decade.

TOP COP SAYS HIS FRIEND DID NOT DO A SCANDAL

Ohio recently made national headlines for granting its drivers license database to the FBI’s facial recognition dragnet.

It might sound alarming to you as a regular person but there’s nothing to worry about according to Ohio’s top cop that is also friends with the guy who was in charge of making sure your sensitive personal data wasn’t abused in the first place.

From Liz Skalka of toledoblade.com:

Attorney General Dave Yost suspended access to Ohio’s facial-recognition databases for 4,500 law enforcement officers following a national report that revealed federal agencies are mining state databases without people’s consent. 

Mr. Yost said Wednesday his office’s review of Ohio’s facial-recognition system found “zero evidence” of abuse, although he said the officers who use it going forward will require training.

“The bottom line is there were no dragnets, there was no mass surveillance, and in fact all the federal agencies that accessed the facial recognition system represented [less than 4 percent] of those searches,” Mr. Yost said. “The things that were implied in that Washington Post story were not true as they apply to Ohio.”

Mr. Yost’s briefing was in response to a Post report in July that revealed the FBI, ICE, and other federal agencies were using state driver’s license databases to conduct facial-recognition searches and surveillance. The use of this data by federal authorities has never been authorized by Congress or state legislatures and has been denounced by civil rights groups.

“It wasn’t a dragnet” depends entirely on your definition of a dragnet.

Ah! Well… nevertheless…

WHY MY TEAM DOESN’T SUCK ACTUALLY

I intended for The Rooster to be a sports thing 50% of the time but the politically poisoned people overran my subscription list.

I will never betray my roots and I am thankful to welcome the politically minded people to my Super Bowl Browns newsletter.

From Browns fan Devon via Drew Magary of deadspin.com:

White people in Northeast Ohio, residing exclusively in white flight suburbs (NOT CLEVELAND), have become so radicalized by Trump that my parents no longer have friends who are not full-on Nazis.

These are people who protested the Vietnam War who now get mad at the mere existence of black people even though they do not know any.

The Browns are the only topic available for me to have a conversation with these mutants/family friends because they’re mad the Indians ditched the vile Chief Wahoo and LeBron James had the goddamn temerity to leave “us” for a real city (again, they don’t live in Cleveland).

The Browns are the only thing tying me to the most despicable human swine in America. I cannot wait for the season to start!

I cannot contest the notion my Browns fandom connects me to the most despicable human swine in America. But I won’t apologize for saying the Browns will win the Super Bowl this year.

If that makes me an idiot I’d rather be that guy than the one who predicts nothing but bad things to befall his favored football team in the fall.

Coward life will never be me.

THOSE WMDs. At sleep-away camps, a summer of surveillance… The importance of county fairs… Lessons from a “local food” scam artist… A Mexican hospital, an American surgeon and a $5,000 check (yes, a check)… Something’s brewing in the Deep Red West… Jia Tolentino wants you to read children’s books.