I'm a Phone Farmer Now

Why President Business Deals hates windmills, Larry Householder controls Ohio's government, and more.

My therapist recently violated doctor-patient privilege by interrogating me in a way I couldn’t repatriate for a viral Twitter joke to parry earnest examination of my life decisions.

Sure, finding a part-time day hustle might benefit my mental health in that licking factory floors clean with my tongue would be more healthful than staring 10 hours a day at my phone reading all the bad things happening in the world 12 seconds after they happen via a Nazi-infested social media platform controlled by an anorexic billionaire with a messiah complex.

One problem with being an otherwise unemployable blogger with sunset brain is there are only like three jobs I’m willing to do for less than $150 an hour—a sum no corporate vampire or small business tyrant seems willing to pay for my unique skill set.

But the Lord works in mysterious ways as people who have been to Church in the last two decades tell me. Yesterday sitting in my office that is a pool at an apartment complex where I don’t live I came across the perfect job to weave into my daily schedule of tweeting, feeding stray cats and jogging around the block exactly once.

It’s 2019 and farming plants is dead. We’re farming $25 Android phones and scamming ad companies, folks.

From Joseph Cox of vice.com:

Netflix thought I was four different people. I was being paid through an app to watch its trailers over and over again, racking up digital points I could eventually trade for Amazon gift cards or real cash. But rather than just use my own phone, I bought four Android devices to churn through the trailers simultaneously, bringing in more money.

I made a small "phone farm," able to fabricate engagement with advertisements and programs from companies like Netflix, as well as video game trailers, celebrity gossip shows, and sports too. No one was really watching the trailers, but Netflix didn't need to know that. The goal was to passively run these phones 24/7, with each collecting a fraction of a penny for each ad they "watched."

Hobbyists and those looking to make a bit of money across the U.S. have been doing the same, buying dozens or hundreds of phones to generate revenue so they can afford some extra household goods, cover a bill, buy a case of beer, or earn more income without driving for Uber or delivering for Grubhub.

The farms are similar to those found overseas, often in China, where rows and rows of phones click and scroll through social media or other apps to simulate the engagement of a real human. Every few months, a video of these Chinese farms goes viral, but in bedroom cupboards, stacks in corners of living rooms, or custom setups in their garage, American phone farmers are doing a similar thing, albeit on a smaller scale.

Can’t wait to fry Franklinton’s electric grid by the end of the month after I’ve ran 5,000 dummy phones 24/7 for four weeks throughout my barren apartment.

My goal is to be in Cancun next month on Netflix’s dime as thanks for watching videos my cats watched.

AMERICA’S BIG BOOMER BOY HAS HIMSELF A DAY

I went to Vandalia yesterday to enjoy a nice meal at Bunkers with an old campaign volunteer of mine. We sat at our table and I immediately took note of the dickhead at the next table over wearing a red USA 45 hat. I averted my eyes right into a TV broadcasting the official news source of America the land of the free and home of the brave.

“Democrats disparage Trump as ‘racist’ at debates” the FOX News chyron read. An ex-staffer said President Deals obsesses about chyrons. I respect his lizard sense as only someone who lived in Trump Country for two years can.

I wondered how many people in that packed feeding trough looked up and thought some casually racist thought before returning to the deep fried meal that would contribute to the communal thrum of heart disease.

After diagnosing the dead-end of that thinking I attempted to log off and eat my meal and enjoy the company of a friend I don’t get to see often. Life as a normal person lasted for a blissful 18 minutes.

“We gotta get home to watch Trump” another wife said to her boyfriend while they exited past me eating a chicken wing I had previously been enjoying.

The locals were horny in public about the god-king appearing at a rally under two hours away in Cincinnati.

I don’t traffic in “Cincinnati belongs to Kentucky!” tropes anymore. I respect the Queen City. But there’s a reason President Business Deals has rallied there five times since losing his election by three million votes, and only part of that plan has to do with its proximity to Northern Kentucky and Southern Indiana.

President Deals isn’t running scared. He’s pounding the Buckeye State with digital ads. His campaign hopes to put Ohio out of reach by the time Democrats settle their 43-person royal rumble.


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The inevitability of Trump victory in Ohio could vanish if “the economy” slows down.

Having successfully bribed agricultural giants into silence, Deals leaned back into his theater fight with China yesterday after a two-hour lunch break:

The sad part is there are probably thousands of Americans retiring today who have their savings tied to the imaginary thing we agreed to call the stock market.

Ah, good thing regular people don’t need clothing, toys, home goods or electronics.

The price hike will arrive just in time for football season when millions of American fathers risk their family’s livelihood by illegally gambling on football games they know next to nothing about.

WHAT STATE NEWS SAID

From the 100% fake-named Gregg Re of foxnews.com:

President Trump tore into his Democratic rivals for the presidency at a campaign rally in Cincinnati Thursday night, but dialed back his criticisms of the so-called "Squad" of freshman Democratic lawmakers in the first rally since his supporters drew bipartisan condemnation last month by engaging in an impromptu "Send her back!" chant directed at Somali-born Rep. Ilhan Omar, D-Minn.

Almost immediately, Trump charged that the "Democrat party is now being led by four left-wing extremists who reject everything that we hold dear" -- an apparent reference to the "Squad." The comment drew jeers, but no chanting, from attendees.

The president pointedly did not name and criticize each member of the "Squad," as he did at the previous rally.

Trump did, however, condemn what he called the "wasted money" that has led to "blight" in inner cities run by Democrats. But he initially declined to specify which cities he was referring to, because as he put it, "we want no controversy."

A lot of rural voters live in fear of Big City Tyranny without realizing the electoral deck is stacked in their favor.

Not to go all “If Obama” which is a thing I have to legally say before going “If Obama” but there would have been an armed resurrection if Obama went into the southside of Chicago and a Black crowd ceremoniously mocked pitiful rural America and the liberal media lauded the lack of “Kill Whitey” chants.

Yesterday the FBI designated “conspiracy-driven fanatics” as a new front in the fight against (white) domestic terrorism.

The report specifically mentioned the QAnon Conspiracy (if you don’t know Q do yourself a favor and keep walking in blissful ignorance) so it makes perfect sense Q-freaks advertised their presence at a presidential hate jamboree.

The President of the United States, after confirming the party registration of the local mayor with a rando in the crowd, dove head-first into his old bag of rally tricks by taunting an ejected protestor:

The most infuriating thing about Trump trashing cities is Los Angeles and New York City could shut this whole motherfucker down if the working class stops exorcising existential dread through jokes about raiding Area 51 and starts seriously planning a General Strike.

Americans lack big balls like Ricky Martin due to mortgages, outrageous childcare expenses and 35,500 work-addicted creeps hoarding 95% of the vacation days allotted to the millions of people like me who have to work for a living.

In the meantime we live in an era where a sentient scam email enthralls millions of people who live around us every day:

Keep in mind this is what a lifelong grifter is peddling over a year before the election. It’s downhill from here.

I bought a West Highland Terrier puppy for $400 on a farm off a dirt road in Indiana back in December. The lady was a boss breeder and the dog had perfect temperament but seeing as I ceded him in fake divorce court my new most memorable memory is the wife explaining how shadows casted over your house by rotating windmill blades would eventually drive the occupants insane while she dried the wet pearl-white puppy I no longer see.

Her eyes made me think she and her husband had a cache of military weapons buried around the farm in case Big Government ever tried putting a windmill on their property.

Windmills are a NIMBY lightning rod. Ohio could be an American leader in wind energy.

Instead many communities across Ohio, Seneca County being the one I drove through last weekend, have been hoodwinked into thinking wind farms would be bad for the area on account of high-paying green energy jobs not actually being real jobs that real Americans would like to do.

The Soviets are no doubt shaking in their ushankas over America’s big dick energy:

THEIR BRAINS WORK LIKE THIS

The most ridiculous moment came when 12 Black people absolved the racist president and the racist Republican party of being racist. Everyone else in that arena no doubt felt the cooling aura of Holy Water on their sweaty pink brows because they live in a world where nothing is actually racist except a KKK member shouting racial slurs while wearing a Nazi armband.

Even then there are exceptions to the rule.

THE MOST PREDICTABLE THING

Trump’s team announced two days ago that every prominent Ohio Republican is involved with his re-election campaign — save for Secretary of State Frank LaRose who can’t betray the objectivity of his office while solemnly shredding hundreds of thousands of voter registrations in poor and minority communities.

Less than 24 hours later, Governor DeWine appeared at the rally of a man he avoided like the plague in his election bid. The devout Christian did as Jesus famously instructed by turning a blind eye to the systemic harassment of minorities:

Ohio came within one legislative vote of being a slave state upon its inception. Abolitions beat that racist plague back and our state fought on “the right side of history” in the Civil War.

There are many factors and one person alone can’t be blamed but I’m starting to worry Ohio may be the baddies in the easiest moral test of my life.

THE MOST HILARIOUS THING

Sometimes all you can do is laugh when your country has child cage camps that the populace accepts more and more every day.

If your life is truly charmed you can blog and pretend you’re not part of the problem because you have the courage to post.

From Max Lundberg of cincinnati.com:

The vice president of the United States swung by Skyline Chili on Thursday, ahead of President Donald Trump's rally, but didn't eat.

Mike Pence visited the Fort Wright Skyline restaurant off Dixie Highway for about 30 minutes, said restaurant manager Hunter Beard.

"It was a great experience," said the 19-year-old Beard.

Pence didn't try any chili – or any food for that matter, Beard added, but he did order a Diet Pepsi and shook hands with employees and patrons.

The Vice Pence and the wife he calls Mother flexed the teflon nature of the brazenly corrupt administration by not sparking a Civil War when they refused to eat Cincinnati cinnamon fare and declare it as the best meal of their lives on all appropriate social media channels.

Not many other people would have left the establishment alive.

THOSE WMDs. The reincarnation of Rolling Acres, one of America’s most infamous dead malls… Columbus scam companies and how to avoid them… “It’s a health time bomb:” what a bad night’s sleep does to your body… It’s time to Quentin Tarantino’s #MeToo moment?