Browns Ruined My Weekend Again

Don't tell my landlord but he ain't getting paid next month.

I spent way too much money to go to Cleveland on Sunday convinced I was going to see the Browns be 1-0 for the first time since I was a high school senior which would be quite the milestone for a 32-year-old.

The Titans on paper were seemingly the easiest team in the first four weeks of the season and the .002% of doubt we might not win the Super Bowl this year was removed the second the cheap champagne entered my blood stream at 7 a.m. while standing in a parking lot. By the time I enjoyed a nutritionally balanced traditional tailgate lunch of 12 SunChips I was already thinking about spending the money I was about to rob from my bookie on a penthouse suite in Miami for Super Bowl weekend.

Titans about to get smashed.
September 8, 2019

The Muni Lot is Heaven to me as a man who will never step foot in actual Heaven as the Christians and every other major religion and most minor ones describe its immigration laws.

Nothing as majestic as drinking Lady Bligh Spiced Caribbean Rum out of the bottle with strangers and watching rusty smoke stacks pump pollution into the air as the sun rises over the Cleveland skyline on a Sunday when normal-brained people are spending quality time with their families or going to church.

Little did I know I’d be considering tossing myself out of my friend’s vehicle as we sped down the interstate back to Columbus after leaving the game midway through the fourth quarter when we realized in horror we had seen this porno multiple times before.

Yeah I quit on my team but they quit on me and they were the ones getting paid big bucks while I was the guy ordering $20 double margaritas in the nosebleeds getting mocked by some Titans fan who looked like he let a blind man cut his hair with a weed whacker.

Now I have a custom Baby Billy #69 jersey arriving on my porch before 10:30 a.m. today to go along with the plane ticket to the Big Apple I ordered two months ago when I thought surely there was no way I would be traveling to the most expensive city in the world to watch a 0-1 team lose to the Jets in New Jersey on national TV.

And if the Browns come out next Monday and look like they’re coached by Hick Hue Jackson again I will leave the stadium, dump all my clothes onto the the beach and walk my broken body and soul into the Atlantic Ocean and never be seen again.

So yeah keep my therapist in your prayers this week because my personal life is in shambles right now and none of his 28 fancy collegiate degrees hanging on his walls could have possibly prepared him for the hurricane of human shit my dropout ass is going to unleash upon him when we meet Wednesday.

Anyway let’s get back to the positive uplifting tone of The Rooster Newsletter by discussing heart-warming stories about school children getting humiliated over archaic concepts like a $9 lunch debt.

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America is the richest country in the history of the world and that’s evident in stories about public schools charging kids to eat prison food while military contractors make millions of dollars building roads in Afghanistan villages with no cars.

A school in Ohio recently bestowed the gift of childhood trauma onto a student who made the mistake of eating cheesy breadsticks on his birthday when he had an unpaid $9 tab.

From Emily Hamilton of

GREEN, Ohio — A local grandmother is calling for a change in policy at Green Primary School after she said her grandson was embarrassed by the cafeteria staff.

Diane Bailey said a misunderstanding led to her grandson having his lunch taken away in front of his classmates.

Jefferson Sharpnack turned 9-years-old on Tuesday and said what happened in the lunchroom made it his worst birthday ever.

“I got my cheesy breadsticks and put in my number,” Jefferson said, “And when I was going to check out, the lunch lady didn’t say anything, took away my cheesy breadsticks and sauce, put them over there, and took out bread on cheese from the fridge and put it on my tray.”

Jefferson came home from school on Friday, Aug. 30 with a note stating he owed $9 for his lunch account.

Sorry kid! Next time don’t choose to belong to a poor family at the character select screen we all enjoyed before we got pulled out of the sweet ether of blissful nothingness and into the hellacious game of life.


Some of you were probably like “woah pussy ass bitch in the headline” the Rooster is running wild today and maybe you should get a cool hobby like spending nine hours a day on Twitter so you’re aware about Chrissy Teigan calling our nation’s president a pussy ass bitch while still being friends with people who voted him into office.

America’s Big Baby Boy proved how soft and fragile he is yesterday when he refused to invite the mayor of Dayton to a ceremony honoring the city’s cops that heroically put down a maniacal mass murderer within 30 seconds.

From Liz Skalka of

Dayton’s Democratic mayor said she was not invited to a White House ceremony hosted by President Donald Trump to honor police officers in her city who took out a mass shooter last month.

“We emailed and said, ‘Hey, we'd be happy to come’ and they said that they didn’t want us there, so we did not go. We were not invited,” Mayor Nan Whaley told The Blade Monday afternoon. “I think they told [my senior policy aide], ‘It’s not going to work out this time.’”

“Even the reps who were there didn’t represent Dayton,” Ms. Whaley added, noting it was only Republican lawmakers from Ohio who were in attendance.

I doubt Nan minds because who wants to shake the tiny sweaty hand of a human hog. As a Nan fan I don’t mind either because every time Trump attacks her he raises her profile for 2022 gubernatorial primary against the corporate drone currently residing in Columbus mayor’s office.


Columbus is at a precipice as a city and if city officials don’t get their ass in gear like this week we will become a nightmare of unplanned sprawl like Houston. We are the biggest city in the country without light rail mass transit but have no fear there is a plan to maybe do something about that which is at least more than we’ve ever had.

From Angie Schmitt of

Will the 450,000 people that the city expects to add by 2050 live in sprawling locations where they must depend on a car for every trip — like most residents do now?

Or — as planners have proposed —  will new residents be housed, instead, along corridors that offer strong walkability and transit accessibility?

These two visions for the future are being considered as part of a new planing process, Insight2050 [PDF].

The more ambitious of the two visions would concentrate more than half of the projected 450,000 new residents and 600,000 new jobs along five key corridors radiating from downtown in a hub-and-spoke pattern.

Real estate developers are the pimps of the local Democratic machine which means none of those in power have the heart to crush the army of NIMBYs that will inevitably arise against any plan to advance the common good of the city.

But perhaps if we did maybe we could get a downtown that looked something like Ponteverdra Spain instead of what we have now which is something so generic it looks like it was designed by a middle schooler on Sim City 2000 that becomes a ghost town anytime after 5:30 p.m.


Ohio passed the worst energy bill of the 21st century that was a corrupt handout to an energy conglomerate and now they’re using the tried and true tactic of racism to keep a referendum on the law off the 2020 ballot.

House Speaker Larry Householder and his flunkies are corrupt and evil but they’re not stupid. They did the math on this and they know it can work and honestly that should scare every Ohioan who has even the slightest clue about the truth behind the robbery that occurred in the Statehouse in broad daylight earlier this year.

THOSE WMDs. Liberty isn’t a university; it’s a real estate hedge fund… The Heir: Ivanka Trump was always always Trump’s favorite but Donald Trump Jr. is emerging as his natural successor… The biggest lesson I’ve learned from managing anxiety… Everything you know about obesity is wrong… Martin Luther King Jr. was dat dude.